Welcome, Again, to the Yontifs of Yontifs

Last year, somewhere in the mix of the high holidays that came early, in the waning summer days of September, I wrote what was a normal reflective post for the new year, that I never completed nor published. That may be one of the best metaphors for the year 5782: open-ended, full of possibility, never completely written or ready to share, because I have not yet comprehended much of what happened or how I changed.

Jackson Heights, Queens, Tishrei 5782

Yet, here we are on the edge of 5783. I’m coming into this year a person richer in relationships, deeper in my desire to sink roots into community, ever open to the expanse of what lies ahead: excited, scared, hopeful. Both the human refrain and a particular wave of shared feeling among many of us after the last couple difficult years, my reflections have mixed mourning for what I was used to with an anticipation of opportunities for renewal and refinement in the new year. Indeed, writing my postcard update this year, I felt the pangs of what will never be, what was lost, intermingled with the explosive hope for what lies ahead. The tangible: relationships, community, job growth, moving toward finishing projects…the yet-to-be-imagined…the attainable and hard-to reach…

Some of the tayere fraynd made this year, near Kehila Kedosha Janina at the Jewish Greek Festival

So often, I have goals (I still do, but) – the last year has found me searching for new mooring, picking up my anchors and moving them as I am changing. My aspirations are reshaping, my dreams are evolving, my relationship with G!d and community is grounding me in new places and ways, and besides the goals I must work toward, I’ve felt a need to eschew taking on too many additional responsibilities, which has allowed me to realize that now is the time to open my world up to the possibilities that will come my way. I hope this year to continue walking these unknown paths with a balance of nervousness and excitement, to push myself to know where I need to seek change, to move toward completion of my doctorate, to continue planting myself through deeply engaging with community, to ask deeper questions of G!d, of myself, of the world.

I will spend time during the high holidays with communities in Western Queens, Davidson (North Carolina), and Brooklyn. I will play clarinet, blow shofar, leyn toyre, and host meals. When I come back to this reflection next year, I look forward to seeing where I am. And to honour what I began to write last year, I will leave off with a thread that deeply tied this year to last year:

[written around this time last year]

I found myself near the lake in Prospect Park making candles with my new friend Annie. This activity was sparked by Annie’s personal research into an ancient tradition practiced by women across the Ashkenazic diaspora. After using a thread to measure a cemetery, or sometimes even individual graves, the women read tkhines and made candles to be lit on Erev Yom Kiper for both the “souls” and the the living. Many friends from across Brooklyn joined our circle, and we engaged in the powerful practice of learning and carrying on tradition.

During a season of frenetic traveling and connecting, I spent Kol Nidre at home, burning the candles I’d made the week before and watching The Jazz Singer! The next day, I was honored to blow the shofar at Malkhut’s Neilah. I broke the fast first with the community in Queens, then went back to Brooklyn to join the Yiddish/klezmer group for more eating and visiting.

5782 Soul Candles, a new tradition

[and now…]

Just last weekend, I was in Mt. Carmel Cemetery (Cypress Hills) with Annie, now a close friend, our friend Sarah, and their friend Rabbi Noam, learning the first part of the feldmestn ritual. I measured my great-great-zayde’s grave, recalling the spiritual and everyday life of Shlomo Tabacznyk, who died in 1912. My candles this year will be made from those wicks.

Beyond the ritual and learning aspect, the continuity of a new tradition brings me a joy that continues to envelop from coming to know and love new people this year. I have been in awe of the community that has grown, and of the ways these new friends challenge and uplift me and each other.

Great-great-zayde un ikh

That’s a good place to leave it this year – ready for all the wonderful, mundane, difficult, boundary-pushing things that will happen in 5783. I’m ready…and completely not!